Confessions Of A Mad Black Man

this eleventh day of the fourth month

My apologies for the hiatus… I needed to get out and experience life a little so I can chance upon a new discovery. And I did! It is a discovery that will revolutionize dating as we know it today.

I’m calling for a rule change. Beginning an intimate relationship with someone is a challenging, yet rewarding process. Everyone has boundaries to which their date must adhere, otherwise things can get uncomfortable quickly. Thus it is impossible gauge how to respond to your date during some critical moments. I therefore am creating revised Rules of Engagement for the preliminary dates.

I have always believed and still maintain that throughout history, women have had incredible power during the preliminary stages of a relationship. Courtship dates as far back as medieval times, where a knight in shining armor would play his lute and serenade a lucky maiden. Women then had the power to veto… outright reject the knight and his corny lute playing. Back then however, that’s the only power women had in a relationship; if she said yes, then it was the knight’s responsibility to carry the relationship further. Today’s women however have exercised their right for more control over their person and they have won big time. In addition to veto power, women have also (thankfully) eradicated sexual assault, rape, and at least in westernized countries, arranged marriages, from standard practice, and have more autonomy than ever (and hopefully this trend continues to evolve!).

Fast forward to today, it doesn’t matter how much I’m infatuated with a woman; if she says she’s not interested, it’s game over. However, the rule I wish to change is a power that the modern woman now possesses but often a time does not take advantage of it. The rule I’m talking about is the First Kiss Rule.

According to “Man Law” article 17, section 3, part 6a, it states:

“if a man has not secured a kiss goodnight with his date by the third date, where a date is defined by an intimate face to face encounter between only the man and the woman, the relationship shall be relegated to the friends zone, and he shall forfeit physical intimacy with her unless she expresses interest in renewing the relationship, or provokes an intimate encounter.”

As I understand it, women have a similar rule, which means if there is no kiss by date three, the relationship dies as a stalemate. However the first kiss is always this awkward moment. Should I stop? Should I go? Is it the right time? Does she like me? The process is too complicated. So I move to revise the current confusion by creating a rule that states simply “women are responsible for delivering the first kiss.”

If the power of veto goes to the woman, then she should have a good idea about how she feels about the guy she’s with. Thus, I think her power in the initial stages of a relationship should solely be her responsibility. This would instantly eliminate confusion. See, one would be hard pressed to find a guy who wouldn’t do something like “Hi, I’m Mark… ** kiss kiss kiss *** We’ve seen this scenario countless times at a club, haven’t we? And in the club or bar scenario, it is the woman’s choice to make out with the man, so why not extend this notion into serious dating?

For those concerned with losing the spontaneity, well fret not. This rule change only applies to the first kiss. After that, the rules are fine the way they are. The new rule only ends confusion on first kiss protocol, but it does nothing to ease the awkwardness of it =)

this twenty-fourth day of the second month

Hap-py adjective

1: favored by luck or fortune : fortunate
2: notably fitting, effective, or well adapted : felicitous
3 a: enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment b: expressing, reflecting, or suggestive of happiness c: glad , pleased d: having or marked by an atmosphere of good fellowship : friendly
4 a: characterized by a dazed irresponsible state b: impulsively or obsessively quick to use or do something c: enthusiastic about something to the point of obsession : obsessed

--Merriam – Webster

“We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

--Thomas Jeferson

The first quote is happiness defined in one of the most respected American dictionaries. Happiness is a sentiment to which our nation’s forefather Thomas Jefferson penned in our Declaration of Independence. They both got it wrong. Before you chalk me up in the crazy column, allow me to explain.

Having spent a great deal of time unhappy – perhaps more accurately dissatisfied – and after having witnessed several friends trying and failing to be happy or make someone happy, I decided it was necessary to go to my thinking place, and figure this out. And after months of discussions, debates, observations, and personal reflection, I have a definition of happiness, and an explanation of how to achieve it. Disclaimer: depending on your circumstances, it is not usually very easy to obtain – but it is a most rewarding experience for those who do.

--What Is Happiness--

The definition of happiness according to Merriam – Webster is wholly lacking in substance. Contentment, the common definition of happiness, is at best, a superficial sensation. If you are feeling gassy and let out a long burp, you are now content. This is what I call “situational happiness.” We encounter many situations, a good dinner, a fun time with friends, and a graduation ceremony amongst others, a happy occasion. Merriam – Webster does a great job explaining this kind of happiness. The context Thomas Jefferson is referring to in the Declaration of Independence is the happiness the kind of happiness I will tackle. Happiness I call “existential happiness” explains why after we enjoy a good dinner, a fun time with friends, or a graduation ceremony, we hit the bottle hard to drown away our sorrows once we return home from these events.

Happiness is innate. Therefore, it cannot be pursued (of course, I’m taking our forefather’s quote quite literally for arguments sake). However, we have this notion that we have to go out and find happiness. Every romantic comedy makes a big fuss over the journey one goes through to find happiness. What is the moral of every one of those stories? The happiness was right under his nose all along. Hollywood got one right for a change – sort of…

Every human is born with a purpose – a reason for existence. When we reach a point where we fulfilling our calling, that is when we achieve existential happiness. Thus, the definition of happiness is

Hap-py verb
1. An innate human condition in which one understands and diligently expresses their life’s calling

Because many people have no idea what their life’s calling is, it is very difficult to obtain existential happiness. There are three categories of people who haven’t uncovered their life’s calling: Those who have an idea of what their calling is, those who model others, and those who are unaware of what their calling is.

--Those Who Have an Idea of What Their Calling Is--

People in this category are in pretty good shape to find existential happiness. It is very common amongst college students. Often, these people know what could make them happy, but are not in the correct environment to fulfill their life’s purpose. They spend many years bouncing from one activity to the next in search of the one activity that will reveal what their true passion is. This is not a bad thing at all so long as one does not spend their whole life nomadically searching for inspiration. However, this is not a searching for happiness, but rather a gathering of experience so that we may examine ourselves through a clearer lens.

Sometimes, life places obstacles in our path that cause us to defer self discovery for a more convenient time, take an involuntary detour from self discovery, or challenges our will to uncover our life’s mission. In such a case, we always have to remember the reward is greater than the obstacle blocking our path to obtaining existential happiness. Of course, this is easier said than done, but constantly keeping our journey of self discovery a top priority helps us to overcome obstacles.

--Those Who Model Others--

People who model others to uncover happiness are in the most danger of never obtaining existential happiness. Modelers try to associate happiness with interpersonal relationships. The fact is, no person can make another existentially happy. When one clings to another in hopes of understanding their own happiness, they will at best experience many instances of situational happiness, and at worst, will feel continually disappointed and dissatisfied. In modeling another’s journey to uncovering happiness, they move farther away from self-reflection. Modeling happiness is very common in intimate relationships. It is also the cause of the downfall of many relationships, because one person feels constant disappointment, and the other constantly fails to satisfy their significant other. How much more disastrous if both people in a relationship are unsure of their life’s calling, or both are modeling each other! Still, being in a committed relationship allows us to explore ourselves in an intimate setting where we are most emotionally vulnerable. Being in a relationship can help one uncover happiness, but it is not the relationship itself that makes us happy.

--Those Who Are Unaware of Their Calling--

People who are unaware of their calling are usually in a situation where their environment places multiple roadblocks on their path to self discovery. People born into poverty, dangerous environments, and unstable environments tend to fall into this category. For these people, self discovery is on the bottom of the priority list, because survival is of paramount concern. Self-reflection is a luxury. Much in the way artisans appear in a society only when it has found a way to satisfy their basic needs quickly, settle in one place, and form a community, a person has the same requirements to afford the time to engage in self discovery. This is the main reason why many people in inner-city and rural neighborhoods feel hopelessness; they spend so much time on the move they never have a chance to uncover their life’s calling. Thus, we can only obtain existential happiness when we are still. It is incredibly difficult, if not impossible to engage in self reflection unless one has a place, even if it is amongst turmoil, where he or she can sit still and engage in self-reflection.

Now that happiness has been defined, how does one go about uncovering their life’s calling? We have to ask ourselves “what do we want.” And we have to answer that question honestly. After we know what we want, then we have to diligently express what we want. Thus, happiness is a verb in a figurative sense. To be happy, we must be able to express whatever our life calling is – just understanding what your calling is not enough (but certainly a great start!)

When reflecting on what it is we want, we have to find the least common denominator – in other words, we must simply our want to the most basic question. Using myself as an example, I am a musician and a teacher. Music makes me happy, and teaching makes me happy. If someone were to ask me why I want to teach or why music makes me happy, and I feel I need to explain my reasoning further, then I have only described situational happiness; I have not yet uncovered my life’s calling. Further self-reflection revealed that music is a tool I use to communicate my thoughts and expressions, because I want to produce students who are critical thinkers and productive members of our society. This sentiment is still too complex. The last sentence was 28 words long – surely we can simply the sentiment further! More self-reflection revealed that teaching was only a means to an end. My real passion is helping others who are in need. Music is how I connect with other people. Through music, I can relate to other people’s stories and then use my ability to compose music as a vehicle to communicate to many people at once, messages of hope. A successful career in music would hopefully earn me enough money to give to many charitable foundations, especially in education and disease research. So to simplify my life’s calling, philanthropy makes me happy. I’m not happy now, because I am a recent graduate with a Masters degree who is too poor to begin fulfilling his life’s mission. With the economy the way it is, getting into a position to be able independently sustain myself seems very difficult.

How about my music? Doesn’t that make me happy? Well of course – if I didn’t have the ability to make music, I would for all intents and purposes be mute. For me, music is what I call sustaining happiness. We all have a certain skill, trait, or physical attribute that is necessary to fulfill our life’s calling. For a carpenter, his sustaining happiness may be his hands. For a comedian, it may be his sense of humor. If someone loses whatever it is that creates sustaining happiness, he or she may feel incomplete. In such a case, a person would have to adapt and overcome a new obstacle that impedes the path to recapturing existential happiness.

Self-reflection is a very long and difficult process. It is lonely. It can be painful. And it is only useful if we are honest with ourselves. People can help us with the process by focusing the search, but the ultimate road to self discovery must be walked alone. This is the reason why many people have trouble uncovering happiness. However, happiness is life a treasure chest – we have to dig deep to find it, but the reward is always worth the effort.