Confessions Of A Mad Black Man

this nineteenth day of the twelfth month

Relationships of any kind – be it casual, close, or intimate, can be boiled down to three key aspects: Trust, Communications, and The Ability to Hold. The degree to which we trust, communicate and hold our friends and lovers determines the level of closeness we have with them.

The three keys to successful relationships are mutually exclusive; if any of the three keys are significantly lacking, the relationship will suffer. Fear not however, as all relationships take a degree of work. Whether you are in a fledgling relationship or a seasoned one, constant attention to the three keys is necessary to ensure an appropriate balance is achieved. It is very easy to focus too much on one and neglect the others, or become complacent and allow the relationship to erode. In order to understand the three keys and its interdependency, let us further examine them.

--Trust--
Trust is THE foundation of any relationship. This is the most important aspect to a successful relationship. Trust is defined as “assured reliance on the character.” When we are assured that we can consistently rely on one’s character, there is no interpersonal problem that can’t be fixed. Have you ever said to another “I believe in you?” That sentiment is the essence of trust.

All relationships inherently begin with a certain degree of trust. If you say hello to a person you are interested in, you trust he will return the pleasantry. If the pleasantry is not reciprocated, we dismiss the person as a jerk, and the relationship fails before it even has begun. As relationships progress, trust is constantly tested. We take a leap of faith, slowly opening up to a person. When we open up to a person and they prove themselves to be trustworthy, we strengthen the foundation of the relationship. It is ok to trust one person to a great degree with some intimate thoughts, and closed up about others. For example, a person who continually gives you good advice about relationships may be a go to source about a very personal relationship problem, but not the first choice about a personal family matter. However when trust is established, it is easier to open up about other aspects of our lives, should the opportunity present itself.

--Communication--
If trust is the bricks of a relationship, communication is unquestionably the mortar. It is how we build trust with our friends and partners. Communication involves any kind of verbal or non verbal interaction. Many people take good communication for granted. After all, we have been communicating our wants and needs from the very moment we are born. However, many relationships begin to suffer when communication is ineffective. By knowing what is ineffective, effective communication is more clearly highlighted.

Probably the most common form of ineffective communication is verbose explanation. In a discussion where we feel vulnerable or insecure, we tend to use too many words to explain how we feel because it offers a false sense of validation. A close second for the most ineffective method of communication is the overuse of metaphor. Metaphors are used when an idea is too complicated or one’s vocabulary lacks the sophistication to explain their feelings without the aid of colorful imagery. Metaphors are not always bad; they can be a great way to add clarification or poignancy to an argument. However metaphors require both parties to have the ability to process abstract thoughts, or understand the reference. Finally the third most common form of ineffective communication is lying, withholding information, or stretching the truth. The ramifications of lying should be pretty obvious.

The worst form of communication is the lack of communication (which is a form of non-verbal communication). The problem with a lack of communication means the other party is left to fill in the blanks regarding your feelings about the relationship. It is human nature to assume the worst, even if the other party doesn’t feel that way. Non communication is the most common avoidance technique. When a relationship gets to a point where there is no communication, it is time to begin questioning the value of the relationship. Sometimes, a relationship must be devalued in order to gain worth – this is why broken up couples can wind up becoming great friends after they break up. Most forms of ineffective communication falls within one of those four aforementioned categories.

Ineffective communication causes a degradation of trust. Often, we are willing to forgive someone with whom we have placed a great deal of trust. Relationships take so much time to develop, we often do not want small communication breakdowns destroy an otherwise good relationship. Other times, people do things that immediately destroy the trust that has been developed. This tends to occur when a person does or says something that breaches trust at a time when we are most vulnerable or when their words or deed cause us to become vulnerable.

Now that we know what ineffective communication is, it is clear to see what good communication is; it is simply the absence of ineffective communication. In a healthy relationship, we are effective communicators 95% of the time. Think of the times when you are on a great date, or having great conversation at a party. Humans are very social, so good communication rolls off the tongue. Good communication is how relationships are built. It starts with a simple conversation, then progresses to a leap of faith, then plateaus at an increase level of trust. We continue to take leaps of faith and plateau until we have reached full confidence in an individual. This process can take a few months or a few years, or even a lifetime.

--The Ability to Hold--
The ability to hold is any kind of physical communication. I chose this title carefully, because physical communications tends to have a sexual connotation, though sex does play a part in the ability to hold. Touching has been an important part of non-verbal communication from the day we are born. A baby feels safe when their parent holds her tight and rocks her to sleep. A nine year old boy may realize a girl in class likes him because he punched him in the arm. It is easy to tell two guys are close friends from the handshakes they give each other. There is a certain degree of trust that generally needs to be established before one feels comfortable being held. Let us consider hugging. When we hug someone with whom we haven’t established a certain degree of trust, we tend to go through great lengths to ensure the torsos don’t touch. When a small degree of trust is established, we may put our arms around the other’s shoulders, as it is less invasive that placing the arms around the hips. The closer we are to someone, the closer we hug them. This includes heterosexual men as well. Acquaintances may only give firm handshakes to establish masculinity. Firm shakes turn into “man hugs” which involves hand grabbing and torso bumping.

The ability to hold is important to building a relationship because physical interaction is an essential part of the human experience. Most often, this is confused with having a lot of sex. Sex is an important part of intimate relationships, but too much sex is equivalent to verbose communication. Too much sex creates an imbalance of verbal communication which is necessary to build trust. The ability to hold on the other hand reinforces communication.

Understanding the symbiotic relationship of trust, communication and the ability to hold is essential to beginning, developing, and maintaining lasting relationships. To sum up the relationship, without trust, there is no relationship. Without communication, you can’t build trust, and therefore the relationship will fail. Without the ability to hold, you haven’t reached the necessary degree of trust to engage in physical communication, requiring more effective communication to build trust. Relationships form a neat little circle of life, that once understood, make creating lasting relationships easier. Still, even after writing this I am completely guilty of ineffective communication all the time. However when we recognize our faults, we are better equipped to deal with them. Even when things are at its worse if we can find the strength to identify which of the three keys is weakest and work hard to build it up, we can fix most any relationship. Also, trust is a product. Save the initial encounter, you just don’t build trust automatically. Therefore fixing relationships ALWAYS comes down to communication. When a relationship is firing on all cylinders however, it really does, and should feel effortless. Let us strive towards achieving such effortless relationships!

I figured I'd start with controversy in my first post. Actually, this post has been ported from my personal blog, the precursor to this blog.

I made this discovery while helping a few female friends with their life issues, since its way easier to fix other people’s problems than my own. Both were dealing with guy problems, and both guys and girls had very similar tendencies with respect to how they communicated with one another. Coupling this data with my own experiences past and present, and experiences I’ve assimilated from others experiences, I was able to come to the following conclusions:

Men Are Rational

Men have a need for things to make sense. Not just make sense, but find the simplest route to a solution. This includes rather complex guys like myself. In any problem, a guy wants 1+1 to unequivocally equal 2. No matter how complex a situation is, men gravitate to the answer that most quickly satisfies their needs. In order to quickly find the simplest solution, men prioritize problems by:
1. Time
2. The fewest number of obstacles to conquer
3. The least amount of communication necessary

Time: Men only consider solutions that solves the problem in the immediate future. If there is more than problem to deal with at once, then he will sequentially deal with them, prioritizing them by fastest completion time, and execute his plan until he encounters an obstacle. If the obstacle is too big to handle quickly, he will skip to the next problem and address the next problem in the sequence. If the obstacle is the last problem in the sequence, then he will deal with it then.

Obstacles: When men are faced with obstacles, men begin in a process I call “processing.” When a man is processing the steps necessary to conquer the obstacle, he is considering how fast he can do it. Processing occurs in a man’s “mind’s ear” and “mind’s eye.” It is a very lonely, and solitary process. If a man has to engage in processing, he may be perceived as distant, inattentive, and lacking in typical interpersonal skills. If the obstacle is too big for a man to conquer, then we will ask for help. This is an absolute last step for men for three reasons. First, talking to people takes too long. Second, new opinions require interpretation – processing. Finally, communication requires the admittance of defeat, which leads to a feeling of diminished manliness.

Communication: Should a man need to communicate, he will do so with as few words as possible. Men ask targeted questions that require only quick responses. The lengthier the response, the more likely he is to reject that information, no matter how valid it is. Lengthy responses tend to require more processing than he is willing to devote time for. If a problem is still too difficult to talk out, then he will skip to a new problem, or if there are no more problems in queue, he will resign from the problem solving process, leaving the problem unsolved. He will reengage with the problem if new information is revealed that requires “reprocessing.”

Consider the classic scenario where a man is lost while driving. The fastest thing to do is attempt to gain his bearings while driving. If the problem can be solved quickly, he saves time by not having to stop to find his way. If he can’t solve the problem in time, he will engage in processing. He will quietly assess his situation, look for landmarks, recall the instructions he was told before leaving the origination. Many times, through processing, he will regain his bearings. However, if he is still lost, he will find an answer with the least amount of communication as possible. He will consult his map, and possibly pull over. Should it get to this point, a man must admit defeat, and suffer from a bruised ego. He becomes easily irritated. Eventually he has to ask for directions. The person may say “hang a left, and after the next stoplight, and get on the highway.” The man accepts his information and reprocesses his situation. However if the person giving directions gives lengthy instructions with extraneous data, the man may reject the information, and refer back to his map.

The need for men to be rational may stem from historically being the provider. When a man is on the hunt, he must make quick decisions, as his life depends on it. Efficient thought processes intimates power, leadership, and masculinity. It is important to note, that rational thought doesn’t mean men cannot be irrational. Men never lose their ability to think quickly. However many men under stress, suffering from depression, or older in age, can lose the ability to engage in processing. Without processing, men can make rash and hasty decisions which can make simple problems increasingly more complex. He becomes wrapped in a feedback loop between stages one and two, usually perpetuating the problem.

Women Are Irrational

Women have a need to make things feel right. Because feelings are intangible, finding solutions to problems are complex because they cannot approach problem solving without rationalizing their emotions, which are inherently irrational. Thus, the solution to a problem doesn’t need to make sense as long as it feels right. For women, 2+3+(4x5)/13=2 in a perfect world, but if it 1.75 felt like the right answer, that is the answer upon which they act. In order to find the solution that feels right, women prioritize problem solving by:
1. What’s good for the many
2. The probability for survival
3. How many problems can be solved in one equation
4. What’s good for her emotions

What’s Good For The Many: For women, the most important thing to consider when solving a problem is what is good for everyone involved except her, even when the solution is to her detriment. In order to figure out what’s good for the many, she attempts to understand the emotions of all the parties involved in her decision making process. The more complex the problem, or the more people involved, the more time she requires to assess the situation.

The Probability For Survival: After a woman has assessed the situation, she then considers the probability for survival as a result of deciding what is good for the many. Often, what is good for the many means something or someone has to be sacrificed. Women do not feel leaving anything or anyone behind is an acceptable solution, so she frequently must reassess the situation. Women engage in much deliberation when trying to satisfy steps one and two. Typically, they will conference with other women, and brainstorm solutions until they come to a consensus. If a woman doesn’t have other women with whom to confer, she will try communicating with men. Many men however lack the patience for processing, so women who don’t have other women to brainstorm with become trapped in a feedback loop between stages one and two, resulting in inaction.

How Many Problems Can Be Solved in One Equation: After finding a solution, women need to engage in “batch processing.” Problems are viewed as dependencies, requiring a solution to every problem in the queue. If even one dependency is not met, the solution is seen as unviable, or impossible. Women are future thinkers. Even if a dependency that has little bearing on the immediate problem is not satisfied, she will reject that solution. After much deliberation, if all of her dependencies are met, she will engage in batch processing – applying one equation to solve all her problems at once. However, if a problem arises at any stage during batch processing, save the very end of the process (by then most dependencies have been resolved, and she can’t go back in the past to correct it, no matter how much she wants to!), she will abort and reformulate a new plan, reverting to step one.

What’s Good For Her Emotions: If a women has reached this step, she has deemed a problem unsolvable. Women become depressed when they are unable to solve problems. Usually the weight the ability to ensure “life” be it a person, an idea, or a feeling, causes an overwhelming flood of emotions. After her bereavement period, women tend to engage in self destructive actions, doing anything that feels good in excess. It could involve eating a carton of ice cream in one sitting, or exercising to physical, and mental exhaustion. It is however a necessary step; women must feel as if they hit rock bottom before they feel they are able to assume responsibility of others again.

Irrational thought shares a direct relationship with a woman’s maternal instincts. Women are the creators and sustainers of life. What makes sense, is not always the answer that ensures survival. Consider a child playing near a stove with its burners on. The child may be too short to touch the burners. Although it makes sense that the child is that the child will not burn himself, a women is thinking “child is near burner – not good if child is burned; how do I protect my child and ensure his safety; pick him up and put him in his playpen; execute operation.” Women process the large equation at once. Men in that scenario may not recognize the problem.

We can clearly see why men and women don’t “get” one another. The approach to problem solving is nearly polar opposites. People in relationships, even long seasoned ones, sometimes forget that the difference between of men and women – rational and irrational thinking – is not meant to be conflicting, but rather complementary. Too much rational thinking results in the lack of depth in problem solving, treating symptoms, but never the disease. On the other hand, too much irrational thinking results in making baseless decisions, using gauze, antiseptic, and disinfectant to cure a paper cut. A man’s need to make sense when a women is processing more equations than necessary, and a women’s need to delve deeper into a situation to uncover gaps in rational thought make men and women a formidable team.