Confessions Of A Mad Black Man

this nineteenth day of the twelfth month

Relationships of any kind – be it casual, close, or intimate, can be boiled down to three key aspects: Trust, Communications, and The Ability to Hold. The degree to which we trust, communicate and hold our friends and lovers determines the level of closeness we have with them.

The three keys to successful relationships are mutually exclusive; if any of the three keys are significantly lacking, the relationship will suffer. Fear not however, as all relationships take a degree of work. Whether you are in a fledgling relationship or a seasoned one, constant attention to the three keys is necessary to ensure an appropriate balance is achieved. It is very easy to focus too much on one and neglect the others, or become complacent and allow the relationship to erode. In order to understand the three keys and its interdependency, let us further examine them.

--Trust--
Trust is THE foundation of any relationship. This is the most important aspect to a successful relationship. Trust is defined as “assured reliance on the character.” When we are assured that we can consistently rely on one’s character, there is no interpersonal problem that can’t be fixed. Have you ever said to another “I believe in you?” That sentiment is the essence of trust.

All relationships inherently begin with a certain degree of trust. If you say hello to a person you are interested in, you trust he will return the pleasantry. If the pleasantry is not reciprocated, we dismiss the person as a jerk, and the relationship fails before it even has begun. As relationships progress, trust is constantly tested. We take a leap of faith, slowly opening up to a person. When we open up to a person and they prove themselves to be trustworthy, we strengthen the foundation of the relationship. It is ok to trust one person to a great degree with some intimate thoughts, and closed up about others. For example, a person who continually gives you good advice about relationships may be a go to source about a very personal relationship problem, but not the first choice about a personal family matter. However when trust is established, it is easier to open up about other aspects of our lives, should the opportunity present itself.

--Communication--
If trust is the bricks of a relationship, communication is unquestionably the mortar. It is how we build trust with our friends and partners. Communication involves any kind of verbal or non verbal interaction. Many people take good communication for granted. After all, we have been communicating our wants and needs from the very moment we are born. However, many relationships begin to suffer when communication is ineffective. By knowing what is ineffective, effective communication is more clearly highlighted.

Probably the most common form of ineffective communication is verbose explanation. In a discussion where we feel vulnerable or insecure, we tend to use too many words to explain how we feel because it offers a false sense of validation. A close second for the most ineffective method of communication is the overuse of metaphor. Metaphors are used when an idea is too complicated or one’s vocabulary lacks the sophistication to explain their feelings without the aid of colorful imagery. Metaphors are not always bad; they can be a great way to add clarification or poignancy to an argument. However metaphors require both parties to have the ability to process abstract thoughts, or understand the reference. Finally the third most common form of ineffective communication is lying, withholding information, or stretching the truth. The ramifications of lying should be pretty obvious.

The worst form of communication is the lack of communication (which is a form of non-verbal communication). The problem with a lack of communication means the other party is left to fill in the blanks regarding your feelings about the relationship. It is human nature to assume the worst, even if the other party doesn’t feel that way. Non communication is the most common avoidance technique. When a relationship gets to a point where there is no communication, it is time to begin questioning the value of the relationship. Sometimes, a relationship must be devalued in order to gain worth – this is why broken up couples can wind up becoming great friends after they break up. Most forms of ineffective communication falls within one of those four aforementioned categories.

Ineffective communication causes a degradation of trust. Often, we are willing to forgive someone with whom we have placed a great deal of trust. Relationships take so much time to develop, we often do not want small communication breakdowns destroy an otherwise good relationship. Other times, people do things that immediately destroy the trust that has been developed. This tends to occur when a person does or says something that breaches trust at a time when we are most vulnerable or when their words or deed cause us to become vulnerable.

Now that we know what ineffective communication is, it is clear to see what good communication is; it is simply the absence of ineffective communication. In a healthy relationship, we are effective communicators 95% of the time. Think of the times when you are on a great date, or having great conversation at a party. Humans are very social, so good communication rolls off the tongue. Good communication is how relationships are built. It starts with a simple conversation, then progresses to a leap of faith, then plateaus at an increase level of trust. We continue to take leaps of faith and plateau until we have reached full confidence in an individual. This process can take a few months or a few years, or even a lifetime.

--The Ability to Hold--
The ability to hold is any kind of physical communication. I chose this title carefully, because physical communications tends to have a sexual connotation, though sex does play a part in the ability to hold. Touching has been an important part of non-verbal communication from the day we are born. A baby feels safe when their parent holds her tight and rocks her to sleep. A nine year old boy may realize a girl in class likes him because he punched him in the arm. It is easy to tell two guys are close friends from the handshakes they give each other. There is a certain degree of trust that generally needs to be established before one feels comfortable being held. Let us consider hugging. When we hug someone with whom we haven’t established a certain degree of trust, we tend to go through great lengths to ensure the torsos don’t touch. When a small degree of trust is established, we may put our arms around the other’s shoulders, as it is less invasive that placing the arms around the hips. The closer we are to someone, the closer we hug them. This includes heterosexual men as well. Acquaintances may only give firm handshakes to establish masculinity. Firm shakes turn into “man hugs” which involves hand grabbing and torso bumping.

The ability to hold is important to building a relationship because physical interaction is an essential part of the human experience. Most often, this is confused with having a lot of sex. Sex is an important part of intimate relationships, but too much sex is equivalent to verbose communication. Too much sex creates an imbalance of verbal communication which is necessary to build trust. The ability to hold on the other hand reinforces communication.

Understanding the symbiotic relationship of trust, communication and the ability to hold is essential to beginning, developing, and maintaining lasting relationships. To sum up the relationship, without trust, there is no relationship. Without communication, you can’t build trust, and therefore the relationship will fail. Without the ability to hold, you haven’t reached the necessary degree of trust to engage in physical communication, requiring more effective communication to build trust. Relationships form a neat little circle of life, that once understood, make creating lasting relationships easier. Still, even after writing this I am completely guilty of ineffective communication all the time. However when we recognize our faults, we are better equipped to deal with them. Even when things are at its worse if we can find the strength to identify which of the three keys is weakest and work hard to build it up, we can fix most any relationship. Also, trust is a product. Save the initial encounter, you just don’t build trust automatically. Therefore fixing relationships ALWAYS comes down to communication. When a relationship is firing on all cylinders however, it really does, and should feel effortless. Let us strive towards achieving such effortless relationships!