Confessions Of A Mad Black Man

this eleventh day of the fourth month

My apologies for the hiatus… I needed to get out and experience life a little so I can chance upon a new discovery. And I did! It is a discovery that will revolutionize dating as we know it today.

I’m calling for a rule change. Beginning an intimate relationship with someone is a challenging, yet rewarding process. Everyone has boundaries to which their date must adhere, otherwise things can get uncomfortable quickly. Thus it is impossible gauge how to respond to your date during some critical moments. I therefore am creating revised Rules of Engagement for the preliminary dates.

I have always believed and still maintain that throughout history, women have had incredible power during the preliminary stages of a relationship. Courtship dates as far back as medieval times, where a knight in shining armor would play his lute and serenade a lucky maiden. Women then had the power to veto… outright reject the knight and his corny lute playing. Back then however, that’s the only power women had in a relationship; if she said yes, then it was the knight’s responsibility to carry the relationship further. Today’s women however have exercised their right for more control over their person and they have won big time. In addition to veto power, women have also (thankfully) eradicated sexual assault, rape, and at least in westernized countries, arranged marriages, from standard practice, and have more autonomy than ever (and hopefully this trend continues to evolve!).

Fast forward to today, it doesn’t matter how much I’m infatuated with a woman; if she says she’s not interested, it’s game over. However, the rule I wish to change is a power that the modern woman now possesses but often a time does not take advantage of it. The rule I’m talking about is the First Kiss Rule.

According to “Man Law” article 17, section 3, part 6a, it states:

“if a man has not secured a kiss goodnight with his date by the third date, where a date is defined by an intimate face to face encounter between only the man and the woman, the relationship shall be relegated to the friends zone, and he shall forfeit physical intimacy with her unless she expresses interest in renewing the relationship, or provokes an intimate encounter.”

As I understand it, women have a similar rule, which means if there is no kiss by date three, the relationship dies as a stalemate. However the first kiss is always this awkward moment. Should I stop? Should I go? Is it the right time? Does she like me? The process is too complicated. So I move to revise the current confusion by creating a rule that states simply “women are responsible for delivering the first kiss.”

If the power of veto goes to the woman, then she should have a good idea about how she feels about the guy she’s with. Thus, I think her power in the initial stages of a relationship should solely be her responsibility. This would instantly eliminate confusion. See, one would be hard pressed to find a guy who wouldn’t do something like “Hi, I’m Mark… ** kiss kiss kiss *** We’ve seen this scenario countless times at a club, haven’t we? And in the club or bar scenario, it is the woman’s choice to make out with the man, so why not extend this notion into serious dating?

For those concerned with losing the spontaneity, well fret not. This rule change only applies to the first kiss. After that, the rules are fine the way they are. The new rule only ends confusion on first kiss protocol, but it does nothing to ease the awkwardness of it =)

this twenty-fourth day of the second month

Hap-py adjective

1: favored by luck or fortune : fortunate
2: notably fitting, effective, or well adapted : felicitous
3 a: enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment b: expressing, reflecting, or suggestive of happiness c: glad , pleased d: having or marked by an atmosphere of good fellowship : friendly
4 a: characterized by a dazed irresponsible state b: impulsively or obsessively quick to use or do something c: enthusiastic about something to the point of obsession : obsessed

--Merriam – Webster

“We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

--Thomas Jeferson

The first quote is happiness defined in one of the most respected American dictionaries. Happiness is a sentiment to which our nation’s forefather Thomas Jefferson penned in our Declaration of Independence. They both got it wrong. Before you chalk me up in the crazy column, allow me to explain.

Having spent a great deal of time unhappy – perhaps more accurately dissatisfied – and after having witnessed several friends trying and failing to be happy or make someone happy, I decided it was necessary to go to my thinking place, and figure this out. And after months of discussions, debates, observations, and personal reflection, I have a definition of happiness, and an explanation of how to achieve it. Disclaimer: depending on your circumstances, it is not usually very easy to obtain – but it is a most rewarding experience for those who do.

--What Is Happiness--

The definition of happiness according to Merriam – Webster is wholly lacking in substance. Contentment, the common definition of happiness, is at best, a superficial sensation. If you are feeling gassy and let out a long burp, you are now content. This is what I call “situational happiness.” We encounter many situations, a good dinner, a fun time with friends, and a graduation ceremony amongst others, a happy occasion. Merriam – Webster does a great job explaining this kind of happiness. The context Thomas Jefferson is referring to in the Declaration of Independence is the happiness the kind of happiness I will tackle. Happiness I call “existential happiness” explains why after we enjoy a good dinner, a fun time with friends, or a graduation ceremony, we hit the bottle hard to drown away our sorrows once we return home from these events.

Happiness is innate. Therefore, it cannot be pursued (of course, I’m taking our forefather’s quote quite literally for arguments sake). However, we have this notion that we have to go out and find happiness. Every romantic comedy makes a big fuss over the journey one goes through to find happiness. What is the moral of every one of those stories? The happiness was right under his nose all along. Hollywood got one right for a change – sort of…

Every human is born with a purpose – a reason for existence. When we reach a point where we fulfilling our calling, that is when we achieve existential happiness. Thus, the definition of happiness is

Hap-py verb
1. An innate human condition in which one understands and diligently expresses their life’s calling

Because many people have no idea what their life’s calling is, it is very difficult to obtain existential happiness. There are three categories of people who haven’t uncovered their life’s calling: Those who have an idea of what their calling is, those who model others, and those who are unaware of what their calling is.

--Those Who Have an Idea of What Their Calling Is--

People in this category are in pretty good shape to find existential happiness. It is very common amongst college students. Often, these people know what could make them happy, but are not in the correct environment to fulfill their life’s purpose. They spend many years bouncing from one activity to the next in search of the one activity that will reveal what their true passion is. This is not a bad thing at all so long as one does not spend their whole life nomadically searching for inspiration. However, this is not a searching for happiness, but rather a gathering of experience so that we may examine ourselves through a clearer lens.

Sometimes, life places obstacles in our path that cause us to defer self discovery for a more convenient time, take an involuntary detour from self discovery, or challenges our will to uncover our life’s mission. In such a case, we always have to remember the reward is greater than the obstacle blocking our path to obtaining existential happiness. Of course, this is easier said than done, but constantly keeping our journey of self discovery a top priority helps us to overcome obstacles.

--Those Who Model Others--

People who model others to uncover happiness are in the most danger of never obtaining existential happiness. Modelers try to associate happiness with interpersonal relationships. The fact is, no person can make another existentially happy. When one clings to another in hopes of understanding their own happiness, they will at best experience many instances of situational happiness, and at worst, will feel continually disappointed and dissatisfied. In modeling another’s journey to uncovering happiness, they move farther away from self-reflection. Modeling happiness is very common in intimate relationships. It is also the cause of the downfall of many relationships, because one person feels constant disappointment, and the other constantly fails to satisfy their significant other. How much more disastrous if both people in a relationship are unsure of their life’s calling, or both are modeling each other! Still, being in a committed relationship allows us to explore ourselves in an intimate setting where we are most emotionally vulnerable. Being in a relationship can help one uncover happiness, but it is not the relationship itself that makes us happy.

--Those Who Are Unaware of Their Calling--

People who are unaware of their calling are usually in a situation where their environment places multiple roadblocks on their path to self discovery. People born into poverty, dangerous environments, and unstable environments tend to fall into this category. For these people, self discovery is on the bottom of the priority list, because survival is of paramount concern. Self-reflection is a luxury. Much in the way artisans appear in a society only when it has found a way to satisfy their basic needs quickly, settle in one place, and form a community, a person has the same requirements to afford the time to engage in self discovery. This is the main reason why many people in inner-city and rural neighborhoods feel hopelessness; they spend so much time on the move they never have a chance to uncover their life’s calling. Thus, we can only obtain existential happiness when we are still. It is incredibly difficult, if not impossible to engage in self reflection unless one has a place, even if it is amongst turmoil, where he or she can sit still and engage in self-reflection.

Now that happiness has been defined, how does one go about uncovering their life’s calling? We have to ask ourselves “what do we want.” And we have to answer that question honestly. After we know what we want, then we have to diligently express what we want. Thus, happiness is a verb in a figurative sense. To be happy, we must be able to express whatever our life calling is – just understanding what your calling is not enough (but certainly a great start!)

When reflecting on what it is we want, we have to find the least common denominator – in other words, we must simply our want to the most basic question. Using myself as an example, I am a musician and a teacher. Music makes me happy, and teaching makes me happy. If someone were to ask me why I want to teach or why music makes me happy, and I feel I need to explain my reasoning further, then I have only described situational happiness; I have not yet uncovered my life’s calling. Further self-reflection revealed that music is a tool I use to communicate my thoughts and expressions, because I want to produce students who are critical thinkers and productive members of our society. This sentiment is still too complex. The last sentence was 28 words long – surely we can simply the sentiment further! More self-reflection revealed that teaching was only a means to an end. My real passion is helping others who are in need. Music is how I connect with other people. Through music, I can relate to other people’s stories and then use my ability to compose music as a vehicle to communicate to many people at once, messages of hope. A successful career in music would hopefully earn me enough money to give to many charitable foundations, especially in education and disease research. So to simplify my life’s calling, philanthropy makes me happy. I’m not happy now, because I am a recent graduate with a Masters degree who is too poor to begin fulfilling his life’s mission. With the economy the way it is, getting into a position to be able independently sustain myself seems very difficult.

How about my music? Doesn’t that make me happy? Well of course – if I didn’t have the ability to make music, I would for all intents and purposes be mute. For me, music is what I call sustaining happiness. We all have a certain skill, trait, or physical attribute that is necessary to fulfill our life’s calling. For a carpenter, his sustaining happiness may be his hands. For a comedian, it may be his sense of humor. If someone loses whatever it is that creates sustaining happiness, he or she may feel incomplete. In such a case, a person would have to adapt and overcome a new obstacle that impedes the path to recapturing existential happiness.

Self-reflection is a very long and difficult process. It is lonely. It can be painful. And it is only useful if we are honest with ourselves. People can help us with the process by focusing the search, but the ultimate road to self discovery must be walked alone. This is the reason why many people have trouble uncovering happiness. However, happiness is life a treasure chest – we have to dig deep to find it, but the reward is always worth the effort.

this nineteenth day of the twelfth month

Relationships of any kind – be it casual, close, or intimate, can be boiled down to three key aspects: Trust, Communications, and The Ability to Hold. The degree to which we trust, communicate and hold our friends and lovers determines the level of closeness we have with them.

The three keys to successful relationships are mutually exclusive; if any of the three keys are significantly lacking, the relationship will suffer. Fear not however, as all relationships take a degree of work. Whether you are in a fledgling relationship or a seasoned one, constant attention to the three keys is necessary to ensure an appropriate balance is achieved. It is very easy to focus too much on one and neglect the others, or become complacent and allow the relationship to erode. In order to understand the three keys and its interdependency, let us further examine them.

--Trust--
Trust is THE foundation of any relationship. This is the most important aspect to a successful relationship. Trust is defined as “assured reliance on the character.” When we are assured that we can consistently rely on one’s character, there is no interpersonal problem that can’t be fixed. Have you ever said to another “I believe in you?” That sentiment is the essence of trust.

All relationships inherently begin with a certain degree of trust. If you say hello to a person you are interested in, you trust he will return the pleasantry. If the pleasantry is not reciprocated, we dismiss the person as a jerk, and the relationship fails before it even has begun. As relationships progress, trust is constantly tested. We take a leap of faith, slowly opening up to a person. When we open up to a person and they prove themselves to be trustworthy, we strengthen the foundation of the relationship. It is ok to trust one person to a great degree with some intimate thoughts, and closed up about others. For example, a person who continually gives you good advice about relationships may be a go to source about a very personal relationship problem, but not the first choice about a personal family matter. However when trust is established, it is easier to open up about other aspects of our lives, should the opportunity present itself.

--Communication--
If trust is the bricks of a relationship, communication is unquestionably the mortar. It is how we build trust with our friends and partners. Communication involves any kind of verbal or non verbal interaction. Many people take good communication for granted. After all, we have been communicating our wants and needs from the very moment we are born. However, many relationships begin to suffer when communication is ineffective. By knowing what is ineffective, effective communication is more clearly highlighted.

Probably the most common form of ineffective communication is verbose explanation. In a discussion where we feel vulnerable or insecure, we tend to use too many words to explain how we feel because it offers a false sense of validation. A close second for the most ineffective method of communication is the overuse of metaphor. Metaphors are used when an idea is too complicated or one’s vocabulary lacks the sophistication to explain their feelings without the aid of colorful imagery. Metaphors are not always bad; they can be a great way to add clarification or poignancy to an argument. However metaphors require both parties to have the ability to process abstract thoughts, or understand the reference. Finally the third most common form of ineffective communication is lying, withholding information, or stretching the truth. The ramifications of lying should be pretty obvious.

The worst form of communication is the lack of communication (which is a form of non-verbal communication). The problem with a lack of communication means the other party is left to fill in the blanks regarding your feelings about the relationship. It is human nature to assume the worst, even if the other party doesn’t feel that way. Non communication is the most common avoidance technique. When a relationship gets to a point where there is no communication, it is time to begin questioning the value of the relationship. Sometimes, a relationship must be devalued in order to gain worth – this is why broken up couples can wind up becoming great friends after they break up. Most forms of ineffective communication falls within one of those four aforementioned categories.

Ineffective communication causes a degradation of trust. Often, we are willing to forgive someone with whom we have placed a great deal of trust. Relationships take so much time to develop, we often do not want small communication breakdowns destroy an otherwise good relationship. Other times, people do things that immediately destroy the trust that has been developed. This tends to occur when a person does or says something that breaches trust at a time when we are most vulnerable or when their words or deed cause us to become vulnerable.

Now that we know what ineffective communication is, it is clear to see what good communication is; it is simply the absence of ineffective communication. In a healthy relationship, we are effective communicators 95% of the time. Think of the times when you are on a great date, or having great conversation at a party. Humans are very social, so good communication rolls off the tongue. Good communication is how relationships are built. It starts with a simple conversation, then progresses to a leap of faith, then plateaus at an increase level of trust. We continue to take leaps of faith and plateau until we have reached full confidence in an individual. This process can take a few months or a few years, or even a lifetime.

--The Ability to Hold--
The ability to hold is any kind of physical communication. I chose this title carefully, because physical communications tends to have a sexual connotation, though sex does play a part in the ability to hold. Touching has been an important part of non-verbal communication from the day we are born. A baby feels safe when their parent holds her tight and rocks her to sleep. A nine year old boy may realize a girl in class likes him because he punched him in the arm. It is easy to tell two guys are close friends from the handshakes they give each other. There is a certain degree of trust that generally needs to be established before one feels comfortable being held. Let us consider hugging. When we hug someone with whom we haven’t established a certain degree of trust, we tend to go through great lengths to ensure the torsos don’t touch. When a small degree of trust is established, we may put our arms around the other’s shoulders, as it is less invasive that placing the arms around the hips. The closer we are to someone, the closer we hug them. This includes heterosexual men as well. Acquaintances may only give firm handshakes to establish masculinity. Firm shakes turn into “man hugs” which involves hand grabbing and torso bumping.

The ability to hold is important to building a relationship because physical interaction is an essential part of the human experience. Most often, this is confused with having a lot of sex. Sex is an important part of intimate relationships, but too much sex is equivalent to verbose communication. Too much sex creates an imbalance of verbal communication which is necessary to build trust. The ability to hold on the other hand reinforces communication.

Understanding the symbiotic relationship of trust, communication and the ability to hold is essential to beginning, developing, and maintaining lasting relationships. To sum up the relationship, without trust, there is no relationship. Without communication, you can’t build trust, and therefore the relationship will fail. Without the ability to hold, you haven’t reached the necessary degree of trust to engage in physical communication, requiring more effective communication to build trust. Relationships form a neat little circle of life, that once understood, make creating lasting relationships easier. Still, even after writing this I am completely guilty of ineffective communication all the time. However when we recognize our faults, we are better equipped to deal with them. Even when things are at its worse if we can find the strength to identify which of the three keys is weakest and work hard to build it up, we can fix most any relationship. Also, trust is a product. Save the initial encounter, you just don’t build trust automatically. Therefore fixing relationships ALWAYS comes down to communication. When a relationship is firing on all cylinders however, it really does, and should feel effortless. Let us strive towards achieving such effortless relationships!

I figured I'd start with controversy in my first post. Actually, this post has been ported from my personal blog, the precursor to this blog.

I made this discovery while helping a few female friends with their life issues, since its way easier to fix other people’s problems than my own. Both were dealing with guy problems, and both guys and girls had very similar tendencies with respect to how they communicated with one another. Coupling this data with my own experiences past and present, and experiences I’ve assimilated from others experiences, I was able to come to the following conclusions:

Men Are Rational

Men have a need for things to make sense. Not just make sense, but find the simplest route to a solution. This includes rather complex guys like myself. In any problem, a guy wants 1+1 to unequivocally equal 2. No matter how complex a situation is, men gravitate to the answer that most quickly satisfies their needs. In order to quickly find the simplest solution, men prioritize problems by:
1. Time
2. The fewest number of obstacles to conquer
3. The least amount of communication necessary

Time: Men only consider solutions that solves the problem in the immediate future. If there is more than problem to deal with at once, then he will sequentially deal with them, prioritizing them by fastest completion time, and execute his plan until he encounters an obstacle. If the obstacle is too big to handle quickly, he will skip to the next problem and address the next problem in the sequence. If the obstacle is the last problem in the sequence, then he will deal with it then.

Obstacles: When men are faced with obstacles, men begin in a process I call “processing.” When a man is processing the steps necessary to conquer the obstacle, he is considering how fast he can do it. Processing occurs in a man’s “mind’s ear” and “mind’s eye.” It is a very lonely, and solitary process. If a man has to engage in processing, he may be perceived as distant, inattentive, and lacking in typical interpersonal skills. If the obstacle is too big for a man to conquer, then we will ask for help. This is an absolute last step for men for three reasons. First, talking to people takes too long. Second, new opinions require interpretation – processing. Finally, communication requires the admittance of defeat, which leads to a feeling of diminished manliness.

Communication: Should a man need to communicate, he will do so with as few words as possible. Men ask targeted questions that require only quick responses. The lengthier the response, the more likely he is to reject that information, no matter how valid it is. Lengthy responses tend to require more processing than he is willing to devote time for. If a problem is still too difficult to talk out, then he will skip to a new problem, or if there are no more problems in queue, he will resign from the problem solving process, leaving the problem unsolved. He will reengage with the problem if new information is revealed that requires “reprocessing.”

Consider the classic scenario where a man is lost while driving. The fastest thing to do is attempt to gain his bearings while driving. If the problem can be solved quickly, he saves time by not having to stop to find his way. If he can’t solve the problem in time, he will engage in processing. He will quietly assess his situation, look for landmarks, recall the instructions he was told before leaving the origination. Many times, through processing, he will regain his bearings. However, if he is still lost, he will find an answer with the least amount of communication as possible. He will consult his map, and possibly pull over. Should it get to this point, a man must admit defeat, and suffer from a bruised ego. He becomes easily irritated. Eventually he has to ask for directions. The person may say “hang a left, and after the next stoplight, and get on the highway.” The man accepts his information and reprocesses his situation. However if the person giving directions gives lengthy instructions with extraneous data, the man may reject the information, and refer back to his map.

The need for men to be rational may stem from historically being the provider. When a man is on the hunt, he must make quick decisions, as his life depends on it. Efficient thought processes intimates power, leadership, and masculinity. It is important to note, that rational thought doesn’t mean men cannot be irrational. Men never lose their ability to think quickly. However many men under stress, suffering from depression, or older in age, can lose the ability to engage in processing. Without processing, men can make rash and hasty decisions which can make simple problems increasingly more complex. He becomes wrapped in a feedback loop between stages one and two, usually perpetuating the problem.

Women Are Irrational

Women have a need to make things feel right. Because feelings are intangible, finding solutions to problems are complex because they cannot approach problem solving without rationalizing their emotions, which are inherently irrational. Thus, the solution to a problem doesn’t need to make sense as long as it feels right. For women, 2+3+(4x5)/13=2 in a perfect world, but if it 1.75 felt like the right answer, that is the answer upon which they act. In order to find the solution that feels right, women prioritize problem solving by:
1. What’s good for the many
2. The probability for survival
3. How many problems can be solved in one equation
4. What’s good for her emotions

What’s Good For The Many: For women, the most important thing to consider when solving a problem is what is good for everyone involved except her, even when the solution is to her detriment. In order to figure out what’s good for the many, she attempts to understand the emotions of all the parties involved in her decision making process. The more complex the problem, or the more people involved, the more time she requires to assess the situation.

The Probability For Survival: After a woman has assessed the situation, she then considers the probability for survival as a result of deciding what is good for the many. Often, what is good for the many means something or someone has to be sacrificed. Women do not feel leaving anything or anyone behind is an acceptable solution, so she frequently must reassess the situation. Women engage in much deliberation when trying to satisfy steps one and two. Typically, they will conference with other women, and brainstorm solutions until they come to a consensus. If a woman doesn’t have other women with whom to confer, she will try communicating with men. Many men however lack the patience for processing, so women who don’t have other women to brainstorm with become trapped in a feedback loop between stages one and two, resulting in inaction.

How Many Problems Can Be Solved in One Equation: After finding a solution, women need to engage in “batch processing.” Problems are viewed as dependencies, requiring a solution to every problem in the queue. If even one dependency is not met, the solution is seen as unviable, or impossible. Women are future thinkers. Even if a dependency that has little bearing on the immediate problem is not satisfied, she will reject that solution. After much deliberation, if all of her dependencies are met, she will engage in batch processing – applying one equation to solve all her problems at once. However, if a problem arises at any stage during batch processing, save the very end of the process (by then most dependencies have been resolved, and she can’t go back in the past to correct it, no matter how much she wants to!), she will abort and reformulate a new plan, reverting to step one.

What’s Good For Her Emotions: If a women has reached this step, she has deemed a problem unsolvable. Women become depressed when they are unable to solve problems. Usually the weight the ability to ensure “life” be it a person, an idea, or a feeling, causes an overwhelming flood of emotions. After her bereavement period, women tend to engage in self destructive actions, doing anything that feels good in excess. It could involve eating a carton of ice cream in one sitting, or exercising to physical, and mental exhaustion. It is however a necessary step; women must feel as if they hit rock bottom before they feel they are able to assume responsibility of others again.

Irrational thought shares a direct relationship with a woman’s maternal instincts. Women are the creators and sustainers of life. What makes sense, is not always the answer that ensures survival. Consider a child playing near a stove with its burners on. The child may be too short to touch the burners. Although it makes sense that the child is that the child will not burn himself, a women is thinking “child is near burner – not good if child is burned; how do I protect my child and ensure his safety; pick him up and put him in his playpen; execute operation.” Women process the large equation at once. Men in that scenario may not recognize the problem.

We can clearly see why men and women don’t “get” one another. The approach to problem solving is nearly polar opposites. People in relationships, even long seasoned ones, sometimes forget that the difference between of men and women – rational and irrational thinking – is not meant to be conflicting, but rather complementary. Too much rational thinking results in the lack of depth in problem solving, treating symptoms, but never the disease. On the other hand, too much irrational thinking results in making baseless decisions, using gauze, antiseptic, and disinfectant to cure a paper cut. A man’s need to make sense when a women is processing more equations than necessary, and a women’s need to delve deeper into a situation to uncover gaps in rational thought make men and women a formidable team.